Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Day 4

I believed that there was a god until I was 20. I started going to church when I was 14, and I was "on fire for the lord". Looking back on it, I think that was the worse thing I could have done. I prayed until I was blue in the face, memorized the ambiguous bible, gave money that I didn't have and wasted all my teen years hearing people tell me everything I felt was wrong. But I stuck with it. I tried. Then...I got date raped. I was 18 and a virgin. I got drunk, and to this day there still things I can't remember. The first thing my parents told me was "pray for forgiveness and that you aren't pregnant".

I was terrified. I prayed and prayed to forget or to be healed. Wanna know what happened? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had to heal myself. I'm still in the healing process. I'm sure I sound bitter, but I don't know if there is a god. I can tell you right now that the Christian Baptist version probably doesn't exist. There could be something, but I don't know and I don't care enough to find out. If someone chooses to believe in that, then it's their life. I'm just not going to waste anymore of mine on something that has caused more pain and grief than I want to share...

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